grief.

TRIGGER WARNING: miscarriage

for months I have been searching for the words to write, and how to piece them together in a way that felt softer. That didn't seem so raw and sharp. but this experience was just that, raw, and sharp, and painful. in the fall i lost a baby. I was 3 moths pregnant when I found out my baby no longer had a heartbeat. that my baby inside my womb was no longer living. there was no warning signs, they just stopped living. I guess we never really know why, we tell ourselves so many things to try and stop the pain, but it doesn’t really help.

its been months and only recently has the pain subsided, but its not totally gone, I don’t know if it ever will be. I still cry when I think about my baby I never got to hold, it still causes my heart to break with every new pregnancy and baby announcement I see. i’ve been told all of the things from others to try and bandage my pain, “you’ll have another one” “you’ll get your rainbow baby” “you have a happy and health boy at home”

some of these things true, but most said out of others discomfort when I share about my loss. I share because I am not alone in this experience. there is so much shame and stigma around something so out of a persons control. this is not to compare heartbreak for we all experience something so different. but to also bring attention to how we expect mothers to just get over it and move on. “how dare you still be sad about your loss months and months later.”

we process the grief, the trauma in our own time.

so I support myself in this season of life, and part of that is writing. so I write and I share, in hopes someone feels less alone on their experience.

xo

katie

a poem:

My belly was supposed to be round. I was supposed to feel tired and uncomfortable from carrying you in my womb for 9 months.

But instead my insides are empty

and I’m tired from carrying the grief of loosing you.

magic & ease

I am not one to set resolutions and over the years I have tried to create more tenderness with myself in this achievement orientated world. Of course I still have things I am working towards, and goals, but I am letting go of attaching the feelings and emotions I want to feel to those specific experiences. The once I get here I will feel this, kind of thinking. Because trust me once you get to that place, you will still feel the same as you do now, maybe a moment of something else, but mostly the same.

So this year, I came up with words. Words to guide me in moments of overwhelm, or unsteadiness, when I am not feeling sure.

MAGIC & EASE

Words to use daily. This does not mean that in every moment of everyday I will experience these feelings, but in a single moment of everyday I hope to. To remember the ease in letting myself cuddle my son a little longer before putting him to sleep. The ease in conversation with loved ones, the ease that exists within myself, and the first few sips of coffee. The magic in our everyday experiences, our physical body is pure magic how it operates. The magic in the trees, and the moon and the stars. The magic in connection, and community, and creativity.

These words offer my more grace, and love too slow down a little. The space for self exploration and healing. They give me permission to do things for fun, for play, because I want to. To remember that there are no coincidences and to remember to listen.

So my start to the year has been slow but intentional. The work I am doing and offering coming from deep love and understanding. The space for me to heal, to seek support for my growth. And the ability to be creative, to create because I want too, because creativity helps me in seeing the magic in this life.

moving toward the light.

i created this website from an inspired place, from feeling. this year has been particularly hard for most of us, and i feel like i got the shit kicked out of me.

it seemed like every time i was beginning to feel grounded, excited, i would be challenged. some stories i have shared and will share, and some are not mine to share.

but i have been brought to my knees in grief and in those moments life just kept showing me how beautiful it is over and over again. it's weird and strangely comforting that we often experience both significant pain and tremendous beauty at the same time.

so I allow myself to feel it all, and i move toward the light.

i feel grateful i am in a place where i can choose.

So i am here choosing light and rearranging and recreating new offerings to support you in choosing light too.