grief.

TRIGGER WARNING: miscarriage

for months I have been searching for the words to write, and how to piece them together in a way that felt softer. That didn't seem so raw and sharp. but this experience was just that, raw, and sharp, and painful. in the fall i lost a baby. I was 3 moths pregnant when I found out my baby no longer had a heartbeat. that my baby inside my womb was no longer living. there was no warning signs, they just stopped living. I guess we never really know why, we tell ourselves so many things to try and stop the pain, but it doesn’t really help.

its been months and only recently has the pain subsided, but its not totally gone, I don’t know if it ever will be. I still cry when I think about my baby I never got to hold, it still causes my heart to break with every new pregnancy and baby announcement I see. i’ve been told all of the things from others to try and bandage my pain, “you’ll have another one” “you’ll get your rainbow baby” “you have a happy and health boy at home”

some of these things true, but most said out of others discomfort when I share about my loss. I share because I am not alone in this experience. there is so much shame and stigma around something so out of a persons control. this is not to compare heartbreak for we all experience something so different. but to also bring attention to how we expect mothers to just get over it and move on. “how dare you still be sad about your loss months and months later.”

we process the grief, the trauma in our own time.

so I support myself in this season of life, and part of that is writing. so I write and I share, in hopes someone feels less alone on their experience.

xo

katie

a poem:

My belly was supposed to be round. I was supposed to feel tired and uncomfortable from carrying you in my womb for 9 months.

But instead my insides are empty

and I’m tired from carrying the grief of loosing you.