On being okay…

I remember sitting in my therapist's office years ago saying I just want to feel okay.

I just want to feel an underlying feeling that everything is okay.

Things felt like they were always tumultuous, I would have moments of highs and underneath it was a feeling that everything was constantly falling apart and that I was not okay and I felt like I was never going to be okay. 

It would take me years before I started to find this feeling of okayness, but I did and I do. 

Somatic Experiencing was where it all shifted for me. After six months of consistent sessions, I realized I could feel that sense of okayness, that yes life would be a constant ebb and flow but I felt a genuine feeling that I would be okay no matter what. That I was starting to feel more than okay with who I am, and how I see the world, and how I experience this life. This was vastly different from my previous feelings that I was somehow always in the wrong and no matter what I did I was not enough. 

I didn’t know that this feeling of not enoughness and shame stems from the nervous system experience and from childhood. That working with somatic experiencing and unraveling my nervous system opened me up to more possibilities and a greater felt sense that I am okay, that who I am is okay. 

So yes some days I feel angry and frustrated, and I want things to be different, and these are all signs of a healthy nervous system reacting to the amount of stimulus around me and under it all I have a knowing that I am okay, and that though that may seem like a simple and small shift it has completely changed my life.